Number Thirteen.

core values and absent gods

Core values

I went to a psychologist once. Well 4 times before he quit which I have not taken personally. I trotted in accompanied by my dog and usually she would sit on the big sprawling couch but for the final session we were in a smaller room and there were just two small armchairs so she got on his armchair and slowly forced him onto the ground while we both tried to stay in the scene of ‘young woman grieves her brother and father’ it was really funny but this is not the point.

The point is that I work very hard. No. Not hard. My work is dress ups. I work very often.

I never stop because if I were to stop I would have to face the aforementioned deaths in the family and that is famously not as fun as improvising in a leotard for the camera or screlting Celine Dion on a stage. I had a 2 week gap coming up where nothing was due. Not a show to write, no lines to learn, no set to go to and I had been told by five friends, my partner, my mum and also one witch via zoom that I was close to burnout. So I told my psych (who eventually would quit on me) that I was going to rest and I laid out a plan for the rest and goals for the rest and he stopped me and said you must stop making rest a project. And I was like ok sure but I already made the pinterest page so…

He (coward, quitter) told me my rest would be dependent on my core values and so he printed out an A4 list of values and asked me to circle the ones that felt important to me. I circled things like ‘curiosity’ and ‘beauty’ and ‘kindness’ and did not circle things like ‘honesty’ and ‘religion’. I liked the process because it felt like a Dolly magazine quiz and also because it resulted in him saying that for me, rest is going to museums and galleries and hikes. Thank god he didn’t ask me to sit still (before he abandoned me forever I am not thinking about it why did he have a rowing machine in the room who was that for?)

Every six-ish months since, I have gone through the values list to re-asses the choices I am currently making and make sure they are aligned with my core values. That I am building a life the right shape to hold the things I love. I would encourage you to do this. It has made a big difference in my decision making process. There are loads of these lists that are online but I don’t think they really feel right. I’ve made my own list, they include my core values but they aren’t all ones I care about at all. Go ahead and circle or highlight your own. Share it on socials. Tag yourself, I’m tapas.

NEW CORE VALUES MENU

TAPAS. MONEY. ENOUGH MONEY FOR UNPLANNED WINE AND TAPAS. CHOSEN FAMILY.

CAMPNESS. HONESTY EVEN IF IT IS MEAN. AUTHENTICITY.

GIVING PEOPLE LIFTS TO THE AIRPORT. KNOWING HOW TAX WORKS. LOVE (HORNY).

ART. CULTURE. LOVE (NOT HORNY). GOING TO THE MOVIES. NATURE.

LANDSCAPE MODE (THE REJECTION OF PHONE BASED FILM CONSUMPTION - EMBRACING OF PHYSICAL MEDIA).

THOSE CABINS WITH OUTDOOR TUBS. PUZZLES. DOGS. FREE TIME.

SCROLLING QUIETLY NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

CLEAN ROOMS. CLUTTERED ROOMS. THE GYM. BEING HOT.

MAXIMALISM. MINIMALISM. HUMIDITY. COAT WEATHER. AMBITION. LOYALTY. AWE.

MUSIC. CONTROL. GOD OR SOMETHING LIKE IT. HAVING A GIGGLE. MARRIAGE.

PARENTHOOD. SELF-AWARENESS. CUP OF TEA AND A BISCUIT. WALKS WITH FRIENDS.

GOSSIP. RESILIENCE. SUNSHINE. MATCHING UNDERWEAR SETS. ACTIVISM.

ANIMAL RIGHTS. PRIVACY. BLIND BOXES. WHIMSY. RELIGION. ROMANCE. TRUST.

INTEGRITY. AUTHENTICITY. GRATITUDE. SOCIAL JUSTICE. COMMUNITY (MUSICAL THEATRE)

COMMUNITY (NON MUSICAL THEATRE) SIMPLE WARDROBE. BEING A LOCAL.

BEING BLONDE. HOPE. LEGACY. HAVING THE FREEDOM AND CASH TO GO TO EUROPE.

EMPATHY. POLITENESS. LOYALTY. LAUGHING FIRST WHEN YOU FALL

OVER IN PUBLIC.

ONE MORE GLASS. GETTING UP WITH THE SUN. MAKING THINGS.

FIXING THINGS. MAKING PEOPLE WHO ARE CRYING LAUGH BY SAYING SOMETHING MEAN

BUT FUNNY. TILL SUNRISE. GARDENING. BEAUTY.

GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN. WIDE ROADS. DRY HEAT. INTEGRITY. HEALTH.

90’S NOSTALGIA. BEING CORRECT. SPREADSHEETS. FAIRNESS. SHARING PASTA.

KNOWLEDGE.

OWNING PROPERTY. ALWAYS SMELLING GOOD. TOUCHING A LOVER BEFORE YOU TOUCH A PHONE IN THE MORNING.

KIRK’S PASSITO. BAD BUNNY SUPERBOWL PERFORMANCE. FLUFFY TOWELS. SPORTS.

LOUNGE ACCESS.

(if you circled culture I hope you know you were circling what culture means to me which is this video specifically)

Where you can see me at Melbourne Comedy Festival

I am filming my special Reform at 2pm and 4pm Comedy Republic 12th April - seats are nearly gone so book asap. Tickets are here.

Comedians On Stage Auditioning for Musicals. My dumbest and most favourite project is back with Ben Russell and Gillian Cosgriff of course. Festival club one night only 11th April (late) This always sells out you have to book.

I directed two shows for the festival - Zachary Ruane’s COMEDY and Hannah Conda and Tim Collins - BROTHER’S IN WIGS. Both shows very camp, very very silly.

I’m hosting the Upfront Gala and performing at four other things I can’t tell you about yet please don’t be mad at me it is not my fault I am not in charge of the marketing roll out and that is for the best. Grouse House launch party is happening and you should come and sign up for the streaming service. It’s Australia’s answer to Dropout and I think it’s really really good.

Also Pretty Woman is on sale in Melbourne if you are interested in what I can do in a wig. And that’s all the business done. Here’s the inside of my brain -

Wars are waged in the names of gods who will be absent for the fight while we pay $16 p/m for Spotify.

I have never believed in the traditional concept of GOD because I came about in the 1990’s and I am not American. Still, I do very much adore the idea of Big Man In Sky. I am jealous of people who believe. Faith. An anti-inflammatory. A full stop. An unbreakable promise that things will be okay because there is a plan and there is a man who made the plan. Like when I was little and my dad said we were going to have McDonalds this week, I could reliably count on shoveling 6 nuggets, sweet and sour sauce, a medium fries and a small fanta into my mouth hole because he said so. There is a man with a plan. Depending on the mood of the man we may even be blessed with an apple pie (benevolent!). It has been promised and so it shall be. Okay, that is. It shall all be okay.

I was raised catholic (can you tell?) and while I do adore the iconography and the architecture, I walked out of my last mass as a teen when the priest asked us to pray for those attending Mardi Gras in Sydney to see the error of their ways. Sorry, wanted war criminal Joseph Kony is still on the loose but we’re focusing our prayers on a couple of Kylie Minogue fans having a dance in the street? I don’t think so, Padre! So I left. I sat in Mum’s car waiting for the service to finish and I didn’t go back to church even for Christmas. I learned about the church and the things that had been done in the names of different gods and all the conflicts all over the world resting on the excuse of one religion believing itself more worthy than the others plus all of the general noncery and I decided then that religion was something that humanity was maybe better off without. But not faith.

Faith is something we might need. It doesn’t have to be faith in a man in sky. For me, it is not. If for you it is, that is cool and go off queen. I really do mean that, I do not judge you for believing in man in sky. Faith for me is the opposite of cynicism. It is community, hope, a belief that we can be better. Religion and faith are not one and the same. They are not even a couple, they are like work friends. And I think we forget that and that so many people who don’t believe in a god forget to put their trust somewhere else. And that is a mistake.

I hope you are reading this and realising you have faith in something. Gods, dogs, each other, orange wine. I hope you have it. You can tell the difference between those of us who have it and those of us who don’t. Apathy will be the destruction of us. Throwing our hands up and saying ‘it’s all going to shit anyway’ - no it’s fucking not. Even with all of the awful things happening, it’s still so good when the sun comes out after a storm and everyone in the city is looking at the oranges and pinks in the sky. You can choose awe. You can widen your eyes.

We have to be more passionate about things. I met a woman recently who wears only pink and that rules actually. Believe in the colour girl. It might as well be a saviour. We are experiencing a crisis of faith in our leaders. There is no denying the emperor has no clothes or at the very least no taste and a bad fucking tailor. We have to look for places to put our faith now that the monoculture is gone and nobody will tell us who we can trust. It’s our job to figure out who our gods will be and to figure out how to believe. And it’s hard but hard things are usually worth doing.

We can be happier than we are right now. In the western world we have such an opportunity to savour what might be the dying breaths of democracy. What a frightening thought. That fear you feel when you think about losing the people, ideas, institutions you have faith in can rally you for change. I know I rattle on this way a lot but right now it’s important. Being a cynic is so fucking useless and annoying. It’s worse than annoying, it’s boring. Love something. I dare you.

---